Y'all... I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe I had to keep that a secret for nearly three months, I was seriously aching to tell everyone especially because blogging and sharing is what I do! And three months seems like an eternity when you're keeping a secret from everyone!!
We found out that I was pregnant in January - I took a test the same day that I would have missed my period because I just had a feeling! We've been down this road before with negative test results, but somehow it just felt different this time around so instead of buying the cheaper tests with the lines that you have to figure out, I splurged and bought the tests that read/ PREGNANT/NOT PREGNANT for the first time ever because I was feeling so weird I needed the clarity!
We weren't necessarily trying but we'd talked about having a baby sometime in 2018. We definitely didn't expect things to happen so quickly, because I honestly believed it would be hard for me to get pregnant after some of my GYNO appointments in the past. We still aren't sure about the shape of my uterus but I was told at one appt. that I could potentially have a heart shaped uterus based on some tests that had been taken for some cysts I'd had, which would complicate getting pregnant/pregnancy...
Anyway it hasn't been verified, but my current doctor doesn't seem worried about it so I'm not all too worried about it anymore. Though up until now I had been letting that fear really control all of my thoughts around getting and being pregnant. SO when I took the pregnancy test and read the words PREGNANT I couldn't believe it and I immediately started bawling! I felt relief, and thankfulness and joy but I also felt the panic, fear and anxiety.
And that was followed by all of the selfish thoughts that started rushing through my mind: "I'm not ready to be a mom", "what if I'm not a good mom?", "what if Sam isn't excited?", "our lives are over..."
I hadn't had the time to mentally prepare for the news and EVERYTHING just changed in a moment.
I had to tell Sam immediately so I texted him at work saying that we needed to talk. He knew instantly what it was and came straight home from work. I told him through tears, showed him the test and he was so happy!! I think I was expecting some kind of anxious response because we were not in the least bit prepared. You know how people always say, "if you wait until you're ready it'll never happen." Well we knew that deep down but I think we still always wanted to get to a place where we were as ready as we possibly could be.
So I expected the anxious response and all of the thoughts about how we were going to prepare for a baby and pay the medical bills and on and on, but his joy and excitement really helped ease all of my worries... and we spent the evening pretty much repeating the phrase "we're having a baby!" followed by "I can't believe it!" Followed by worrying about all of the other stuff three days later... hahaha.
Anyway, after the initial shock and sort of grieving the loss of my old normal I've been slowly sinking into acceptance of a new normal and full on excitement! ESPECIALLY now that I've gotten to see baby, and hear the heartbeat and follow baby's growth week by week on my "What to Expect" app! I know most of you know the gender but I want to do a separate post where I can share more thoughts and pictures on all of that! So that's why I'm saying baby 😉
So lately (for the past three months) I’ve been going through all of the normal first trimester things:
I’ve been tired as heck. Like zero energy. No, I don’t want to take photos or get dressed or do anything! My body feels like it has sticky glue all over it, slowing me down and making it hard to get off the couch or out of bed. Which is why my posting schedule on the blog and Instagram has been all over the place lately! But now that I'm heading into the second trimester I'm super excited for things to normalize. My "what to expect" app told me THIS MORNING that the second trimester is the "honeymoon" of pregnancy so I'm hoping that's true!
I’ve been so nauseous and yes, sick here and there, more so towards the end of my first trimester than the very beginning. And meal planning has been so hard! I never know what is going to make me feel queasy or what will sit right. The very first time I got sick I was scrolling through recipes on Pinterest and felt so nauseous just thinking about food and looking at it on a screen that I threw up. It seems like the only thing that settles my tummy lately is carbs! And it's so bad but anything greens and salad makes me want to vom. I LOVED brussels sprouts before I got pregnant, now just thinking about them makes my stomach turn.
And speaking of food and loving the carbs, I’ve already gained 10lbs...which I don't want to stress about but I've really had to settle into the fact that my body is going to change A LOT - while also wanting to manage my weight gain well. Before I got pregnant I felt I was really getting into my best shape and was feeling really great about the progress I'd been making with my workouts!
Now I'm just trying to figure out how to manage with all these crazy food cravings and aversions! I really struggled with my weight back in the day, but I'm not as terrified of gaining the weight now and I don't want that to stress me too much. It's hard because when I gain weight I gain it ALL over, evenly and pretty easily. But that's my body! I'm 5'5, with no hips and every little bit shows. But it's okay!!!
I think the hardest thing for me has been comparing my body to all of these teeny tiny GORGEOUS moms that I follow on Instagram who are blessed with seriously only belly and the same size legs and arms they had as a size zero pre-pregnancy. I know comparison is the thief of joy and that everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way, but YOU KNOW how it is when you're bloated and feeling like a balloon and you just don't feel like yourself and you can hardly control what you can and can't eat or how much energy you have?!? Anyway, that's all I'll say about that. It's not like I go down the rabbit hole of comparison but I do have my moments of insecurity and then I get over it and move on with my day.
I'm hoping to eat healthier in the second trimester when supposedly the nausea goes away. I'm still doing Body Pump 2-3 times a week and going for walks and hikes but I'm trying to give myself grace and appreciate the miracle of growing a baby inside of me! And I'm actually kind of excited to share the process of gaining and then getting back in shape!
Speaking of which I’m at that weird stage where nothing fits right. My normal clothes suffocate me and maternity clothes are still a little too big.... and my belly just looks like I ate too many tacos or donuts rather than a baby belly just yet. We're getting there though!
I’m 13 weeks and 1 day today! Which equates to around 3 months for those of you bothered by things being tracked in weeks. That used to be me, but now I understand it so much better.
My baby is the size of a lemon or a peach this week! Baby was the size of a plum last week, a lime the week before that and a strawberry the week before that! So baby's growing rapidly week by week!